Graduation Irritation

I was among the group of standing-room-only spectators as the second hour of my four-year-old son’s pre-school graduation ceremony began when the whole thing jumped the shark. Up until this moment, the proceeding could be charmingly described as precociously adorable – with each of the three pre-K classes presenting an individual show of costumed children singing about jungle animals (it is indeed a ‘Jungle Out There’ after the protective bubble of pre-school bursts, isn’t’ it?), future career plans (how about worrying about Kindergarten first?) and inventors and inventions (no female inventors were featured, but that’s a topic for another time).  There was a brief intermission just long enough for a  costume change, so it seemed, and as the familiar strains of ‘Pomp and Circumstance’ began to whine through the air, a procession of pre-schoolers donning caps and gowns slowly and solemnly made their way down the side aisle, each called individually by name and handed an official looking ribbon-wrapped diploma.

“Oh God,” I heard a parent mutter softly near my elbow, “I was hoping they weren’t going to go there.”

But, there they indeed went. Amid the sea of outstretched arms of iphones and camcorders, I struggled to poke my head up high enough to see my son as his name was called. He graciously accepted his diploma (which I found out later was a fake prop), and began walking across the stage area to join his fellow ‘graduates’. Suddenly, inexplicably, I saw his eyes well up with tears and he began to bawl. I panicked. Did he not see me there in the audience cheering him on? Was he overcome with emotion as he stood at the crossroads of childhood, mourning the loss of the past two years of friendships, education and memories like any sensitive and soulful graduate does? Or was he sobbing at the hypocrisy of a society who over-emphasizes and celebrates the most mundane of milestones in an over-the-top and absurdly formal ceremony?

My son’s tears had less to do with a cultural comment and more to do with being a four year old. (“I missed you,” he said later.) But after reading through a myriad of polarizing views on pre-school and kindergarten graduations, from celebratory to critical, it got me thinking about where I stood on the issue. (Using that last term fairly loosely, of course. It’s probably about as important an ‘issue’ as where one stands on ‘selfie’ etiquette.)

Or is it? As a member of Generation X, the latch-key children growing up without cell phones, social media or car seats, I often compare my own child-rearing style to my parents’ in an attempt to do better. Not that my childhood was so horribly dysfunctional, per se, but I think it’s natural to strive to improve on whatever I remember as lacking. Couple that with the ridiculously competitive pressure created by an online landscape of community bulletin boards and social media sites of bullying parents pushing their varied anonymous agendas on anyone foolhardy enough to share personal stories, and you’ve got a generation of parents who are basically damned if they do and damned if they don’t. Parenting advice is as plentiful, diverse and useless as the numbers of celebrity parenting books that come out on the topic each year.

The concept of celebrating mediocrity looms large amongst the age bracket of parents in which I find myself. There is a current backlash against a cloyingly engaged parenting style that seemed to hit its zenith during the ‘90’s spawning a generation of supposedly lazy, entitled and needy millennials. Well, that’s what happens when you give out awards for participation and forgo spankings, right?

I do sometimes worry about over-emphasizing my children’s’ accomplishments. If I celebrate every small achievement, how will they know what hard work means? How will they know REAL successes from phony souped-up ones? Should I have opted out of this pre-school graduation? Should I have taken a stand and not allowed my son to participate? Would being singled out as the only boy not allowed to take part in this extravagant parade of mundane mediocrity teach him a valuable lesson about how important it is to wait to celebrate something until it’s worth celebrating? If everything is special, then nothing is special, true?

Unless maybe everything CAN be special, as long as it’s seasoned with the right amount of balanced perspective on HOW special it is. An award for participating can be a motivating factor in working towards that bigger and cooler award for winning. My four-year-old son’s ‘graduation gift’ was a cup of ice cream at the local Baskin Robbins. I didn’t even get him a medium. I don’t want him to get too lazy.

After the ceremony for my son’s class, I talked with the other parents and we all rolled our eyes about the caps and gowns. Certainly no one thought of the day as marking a momentous occasion in the lives of their children. At least, not in the same way a high school or college graduation would. We took it for what it was – an adorable and amusing presentation of preschoolers who had quite honestly, worked very hard for the past few weeks against their own natures of distractibility and impatience to put on a performance to please their parents – and who can argue against the character-building measure of that?

Obviously, instilling values in your own children is up to you and shouldn’t necessarily be something we rely on others to do – even expensive pre-schools. One thing is for certain, though – most parents love their kids and they are going to prove it through any means possible to as many people as they can reach online. We live in a time of photo ops, and I use Facebook most importantly as a way to post pictures of my children in the most accessible way to my friends and family.  Posting photos of my children is a way I express myself creatively, and I take great pleasure in posing them, dressing them up and catching them in a moment of drama or excitement or awe. The ease with which I can take them and share them with my family encourages me to do so.

So, quite honestly, if someone dresses my adorable four-year-old child in a miniature cap and gown and hands him a realistic looking diploma, there’s really no f*cking way I am NOT going to take a picture of that. And, share it online. And enjoy it when other people say, ‘Aw, what a cutie.’ That’s part of what being a parent is all about.



Filed under children, Essays, humor, parenting

2 responses to “Graduation Irritation

  1. Rachael, first of all, it’s clear to me that I should be following your blog. I love the clarity, humor, and thoughtfulness of your writing. On this issue, it’s a little eerie how our thoughts have traveled the same paths. I share so many of your questions about the whole preschool/elementary graduation issue. I happily attended Freya’s graduation from preschool, snapped many photos, and teared up a little at her look of joy when a “diploma” was handed to her. I’m about to attend Rowan’s “moving up” ceremony at the end of elementary school, and I’m sure I’ll be a mess for that one as well. It’s a wonderful thing to mark these occasions, but like you, I wonder about the best ways to do so, both as individuals and as a society. So thanks for sharing this post, and I apologize if you felt judged in any way by my facebook ponderings. Facebook can be awful that way, just skimming along the surface of a complex issue, with all of us thinking in sound bites. So I’m especially glad you dug deeper into this issue. It’s so nice to be in touch with you in this way, and I hope we can get together in person one of these days…

  2. Pingback: Graduation Irritation - What The Flicka?

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