Max (age 9): Reuben, I can teach you how to handle bullies.
Max: If someone is bothering you, just say to them, ‘Do you consider yourself a worthy opponent?’
Me: THAT’S what you are suggesting a kindergarten kid should say??
Max: Trust me, it works. Then ask them what 12 divided by 4 is.
Me: Math for bullies? He’ll get beat up for sure… Wait a minute… what is your angle here?
Max: Hee hee.
Max (age nine): So, we had a pre-test in grammar today. Man, I didn’t know half of what they were asking us! One of the questions was ‘what word should you use to get two other words together?’ I had no idea, so I wrote ‘sex.’
Me: Why did you punch your brother?
Max: Because he was annoying me!
Me: You can’t hit someone just because they are annoying.
Max: He’s been annoying me his whole entire life! I just hit him once, but he’s been annoying me for the past two years! That is totally fair!
Max: So, I have my whole life figured out. I am going to go to college, get a job I enjoy, live with you for a year, you know, to save up some money, then move out, get married, have a family, plan my retirement early and enjoy myself.
Me: Wow, that actually sounds great. Why doesn’t everyone do that?
Max: Not sure.
Me: (climbing up the stairs and wincing because I did a few lunges yesterday after not doing any for a lo.n.g time…) Yikes!
Reuben: What yikes?
Me: Eh, my butt hurts.
Reuben: Maybe you have to poop. That’s what happens to me sometimes.
Me: We have to stop by the supermarket.
Max: Oh God, why??
Me: Because I don’t have anything to eat for me, Josh or Ellie.
Max: Why don’t you all just eat each other.
Me: What do you think of this sweater I just tried on?
Max: Let me look… yeah, yeah, it’s talkin’ to me.