Max (age 9): Reuben, I can teach you how to handle bullies.
Max: If someone is bothering you, just say to them, ‘Do you consider yourself a worthy opponent?’
Me: THAT’S what you are suggesting a kindergarten kid should say??
Max: Trust me, it works. Then ask them what 12 divided by 4 is.
Me: Math for bullies? He’ll get beat up for sure… Wait a minute… what is your angle here?
Max: Hee hee.
Reuben: What’s your favorite Beatle?
Me: Oh, definitely George. For a long time it was Paul, and then I switched to John, you know during my rebellious teen years, but finally realized how great George was the whole time.
Reuben: What are you talking about? I wanted to know your favorite Beetle.
Me: Oh, like the cars? You mean like the classic, new or newer models? I really like the old ones, but the really new ones look very cool too.
Reuben: No, no, no. Your favorite beetle!
Me: Like, a bug?
Me: Um, I don’t think I have one.
Reuben: Mine is the green kind.
Me: Why did you punch your brother?
Max: Because he was annoying me!
Me: You can’t hit someone just because they are annoying.
Max: He’s been annoying me his whole entire life! I just hit him once, but he’s been annoying me for the past two years! That is totally fair!
Attempting to explain ‘how babies are made’ (*lite)
Me: Reuben, do you know where you were before you were born?
Reuben: In your belly.
Me: That’s right! Do you know how you got there?
Reuben: You ate me.
Me: That sounds logical, but no! Mommy and Daddy made you together!
Reuben: Out of paint?
Me: Um, no. Maybe we should continue this another time.
Reuben: Mommy, well, maybe you might cry about this, but the eyeshadow on your eyelids makes you look dead.
Reuben: Don’t hug me because I just farted. Continue reading